6 Tips on the Zombie Apocalypse

For all of you out there who are like me and kind of want a zombie apocalypse ... but at the same time kinda don't (I know, it doesn't make sense right?) Or maybe you're just someone who is TERRIFIED of one happening, or maybe you have some weird messed up zombie fetish, I don't know, its not my problem. However whatever your reason is please feel more than welcome to read on after all the only reason I do this is because of you guys... and I am extremely bored.

6) If you hear ominous noises from the next room over, don't be that white guy that dies pointlessly halfway through the movie. Accept that whoever was in that room, whether its your mum, dad, brother, sister, lover, child, butler, anyone who was in there is probably dead... just accept it and move on. Trust me its for the best.


5) Always have a weapon, I mean come on, seriously, there are dead people trying to eat your face. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it can brake their skull. Here are some examples of every day household objects that could come in handy if you are caught in a tight spot with some zombie in your house:
Baseball bat
Vacuum extension poles
Kitchen knives
Bed frame
Tall Lamps
That thing on top of the box behind the toilet seat
 NOT a gun (they make a lot of noise and are pointless at close range)


 4) Start a rebel alliance against whats left of the government. I know it sounds stupid but lets be honest they are going to get pretty selfish if our precious country runs low on supplies if the government doesn't crumble in the chaos that is. Plus a well oiled working group will make you stronger, less of a target for the dead, you also get to come up with an awesome name (I'd go for the fireflies ;) high five to those who follow)


3) Learn how to defend yourself. Is it me or do people in zombie movies spend far too much time sitting around reading books, telling jokes, and not actually learn anything about self protection except for when they are out on the field. I know you want to live on as normal but its a bit late for that, if you get bit in the real world then its game over my friend... I sound so preachy. 

2) Limit the number of people you would be willing to die for, without trying to be depressing or anything but the fact is they will probably die anyway and if you only have one maybe two people to protect, life will be a hell of a lot easier. What would be even better than that would be not risking it for anyone, but we're all human and we cant help how we feel for those who we love.


1) I'm sorry for saying this but it stands to reason, have a disposable fat guy you can ditch if you ever get in too deep. I know, I know, I am heartless and cruel but it would be very convenient if your fat husband happened to fall over just as you were about to get eaten (I write these words with an evil smile on my face). But if you are unlike me and you actually have feelings and morals, then perhaps surrounding yourself with fat dudes may not be the best idea.

See ya soon,

Alex